Year 2025
by Kevin Mercurio
This post is a dedication to Matt Damon’s portrayal of Odysseus in the Christopher Nolan adaption of The Odyssey. If you want to hear the emotional fatigue of his delivery when asked “What was the siren song?”, you can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUx4kiHgto4.
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I placed the candle wax deep within,
Blocking the fatal music like sin
Of beasts so preposterous as to border an obscure
Detestation of the bird contour.
We row, men of renown skill,
The island grows, and closer still,
Mystic waters calm and gentle,
To hide what was heard as sentimental.
My captain, tied to the mast,
Fidgeting and looking upon with a vast
Gaze into the unknown.
What little did he have to atone?
It had happened, rather fast.
Loud made curious, I turned at last
To see my captain scream, a forecast
like a longing for the past.
After some time, we freed the ropes
Bending down, I ask in hopes
For the first time hearing that which no mortal
Knowledge possess and instead quarrel.
“What was the song, dear Captain?”
And I looked into his soul trapped in.
His return was nothing more than empty lore
Of something he once had before.
“It was what I most desire. And what I most desire,
I can never acquire. And what I can never acquire,
I already had and lost. So with one final peep,
It was all the promises I failed to keep.”
So, we continued to row,
Despite the fear of an undertow.
For it remained in our minds latched
Like an itch we had not scratched.
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Afterword
Indeed, I know, it is well into the year 2026 and I am only just now coming out with the annual blog post reflecting on the previous year. How grateful I am of the hustle and bustle that propelled me into this year. Sometimes I still can’t believe how such an important chapter in my life had come to an end, wrapping up the end of last year with a kind of relieving joy I couldn’t possibly describe. From there, taking some time off to spend with my partner and family in regions of this lovely world I only dreamed of visiting one day. Then settling back into daily routine, of picking up where I had left off 4.5 years ago, of reliving moments I had missed with friends, of witnessing the changes made in my hometown, of remembering to take care of myself physically and mentally. And, most importantly, finding the next adventure based on my experience in the PhD.
Although I could always blame my lack of time, I also needed the practice again, of re-learning what creative conduct was like, of regaining muscle memory of how I used to do self-reflection and write about it. So much of that was gathered together and stored for future use, unconsciously, somewhere until I had the space to release it back into the world, once it was capable of holding the purpose it always had. What is that significance? Primarily, it’s a means of unlocking potential, an awareness that I had gone through certain experiences and came out alive, and to figure out lessons to ascertain, no matter how minuscule or colossal they are. After finding and landing a career that, from its mere description, brings me a kind of joy I remember I possessed when I started on that quest to becoming a doctorate holder, I believe I now have the mental capability to once again take time to deeply reflect on 2025.
Luckily, I recently attended a showing for Nolan’s adaptation of the Odyssey with my family, and there was one particular scene, among many great ones, that had really engaging and insightful prose. Odysseus, played by Matt Damon, and his crew are attempting to sail back home to Ithaca after their victorious win during the Trojan War. Many things had already happened to the crew before this point, like fighting a Cyclops, and negotiating with a witch, all important moments in defining the character of our protagonist and that of his men. Then, there was one instance where they were warned about a point in their journey when they would sail by the an archipelago of islands known as the Sirenusas, where mythical creatures known as Sirens (half woman, half bird-like creatures) had alluring musical voices that made men mad, gravitate towards them and either sail their ships into the pointy rocks on the many islands, or those who wash up on shore are left in a kind of trance, listening to their song until they die of starvation. Odysseus, a very cunning and intelligent man, comes up with an idea in which he would be the first known mortal to hear the Siren song and live to tell the tale. He has his men put candle wax in their ears, blocking enough of the canal to deafen them to any noise, while they also tie him to the mast of the ship, tight enough so that he could not escape. No matter what, he instructed his men not to untie him until they had sailed far enough past the islands as to not hear the song anymore. And it worked. Later on, when asked about what he heard, Odysseus says the following, “It was all the things you wanted to be. And, all the things you wish you never wished for. It told me what you most want, is what you most can’t have. And what you most can’t have, is what you already had, and lost. It was the song of all the promises I failed to keep.”
I kept thinking about that after the movie, mainly because it’s so beautifully written, but also for a deeper understanding of the meaning behind the beauty. It seems, to me, that Odysseus is describing a kind of nostalgia we all desire. When we reflect on the past, we often fixate on when things were going well, going smoothly, while forgetting the bits of turmoil in between the happiness. And that’s just it, for your past selves experiencing those moments, were they truly happy, or is happiness just a type of recollection we feel when recalling our favourite memories? That song is an experience of what you once were, someone who didn’t have the problems you face now, sometimes catastrophic ones of mistakes made, and that, when the dust settles, you can never go back to what you once were, which was something you actually had, even tangibly had, holding on to a piece of material, or person, or idea, before some course of action changed it all. And worse, the song was a reminder of the promises you once made, that perhaps would have kept that feeling of happiness, and how at some point they were broken. Ultimately, it becomes clear that the song evokes awareness of the life you are not living. Pierce my soul why don’t you, Nolan!
The poem above is my attempt at placing myself in the shoes of not the protagonist, but a supporting role, one of the soldiers who fought with and for Odysseus against the Trojans. It’s a pretty standard setup familiar to anyone who watched the movie or knows the myth surrounding the Sirens in the Odyssey, with a subtle rhyme pattern repeat in the 4th stanza, indicating a moment in history that no other person felt than Odysseus. It really isn’t until the final stanza where I add my own perspective on the incident. Here, I use undertow in the figurative sense, in which this new knowledge obtained for the group is a lesson for why mortals are not omniscient. If you were one of the soldiers, wouldn’t you like to know what you desire most in life? Wouldn’t you want to know whether the choices you made led you down the right path? And what would have happened if the promises you made to your loved ones were kept? Imagine if you could feel what it was like to be young again, not to be burdened by the choices you made which led you to into problems you had to solve or are still solving. The option was there to experience it, and even that regret is irritable.
I reflect on these questions because of how much of a life-changing year 2025 was, and how choices I had many made years ago brought me down this path to complete my PhD. To hear, at the end of my defence, the indication that you had passed the program by your examiners with them welcoming you back into the room with simply “Congratulations, Doctor” was a moment in which I wish I had somehow framed, not as a visible memory but as a relivable experience. It was the end to a level of stress I never reached before. But how many choices did I make that led me to that moment? How many things had to happen in sequence to make it work out the way it did? And did it have to happen like that, with that particular mix of positive and negative moments, or could I have done something differently?
These questions linger in the back of my mind as I encounter novel doors that have opened to me now that the PhD is over. Do I continue doing research in a wet lab, or transition into a non-experimental industry career? Do I search for new opportunities in my home country, or elsewhere? How can I support my family and relieve their own burdens? How will I make the effort to grow with my partner in a long distance relationship? What can I do to foster friendships I made abroad while catching up with the ones back home? What improvements can I make to strengthen the relationship I have with myself? This is a new reality I need to acknowledge, and something I need to confront with a level of motivation and openness that only comes from accepting that you cannot know everything, about the past, about the future, and thus what truly matters is taking on the present.
And I think that provides a significant foundation to build upon in the new year (I mean, it’s halfway done by now but still). It is to take on the present with actions that work towards goals that address these new questions. Sure, choices you made in the past have come to bite, like being unhealthy in physical fitness and nutrition, but that doesn’t mean you need to torment yourself with past choices. Most importantly, I believe that feeling of the unknown, something that academics are really bothered by, and even society to some extent needs a high standard of order or control over every aspect of daily life, should be embraced, enough that it can be okay to, in fact, never know. Sometimes, if you set your priorities right, an itch may just relieve itself.
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As I do every year, I would like to share with you now the blooper reel of 2025. To the many people who have supported me along this journey of life, to the love, kindness and generosity exchanged throughout the world, here’s to looking at the unknown and smiling together!
